


Truth or Consequences

by NaoNazo



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Gen, This is literally just crack, truth is #sickofthesemotherfuckingxerxiansinthismotherfuckingplane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:33:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23938471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NaoNazo/pseuds/NaoNazo
Comments: 11
Kudos: 170
Collections: Truth or...?





	Truth or Consequences

Before the fall of their civilization, Xerxes was known for two things: the prowess of their study of alchemy, and their strong fermented beverages.

This was, in retrospect, a terrible combination.

\--------------

“Hello, _al~che~mist~,"_ it crooned. It waited for the questions, the panicked ‘who are you, where is this, what is going on.’ Its smile widened, a multitude of eyes crescenting in anticipation.

The Arch-Minister of Xerxes’s most reputable alchemy association hiccupped and attempted to focus her eyes on its form. She hiccupped again, slouching forward with a hand over her mouth and an expression it would soon come to recognize as “pre-expulsion of all stomach contents.”

In what it would never admit as a fit of panic, it removed her gag reflex and sent her hurtling back to her own plane of existence.

  
  


\-------------

“Hello, _al~che~mist~,”_ it crooned.

“Yeah, uh, hi?” The man blinked rapidly at the bright white space. “Owww, my _head_.”

It could sense the dehydration headache throbbing in his temples, the cells crying out for water.

“This is so trippy,” the man marvelled, squinting slightly. “Man, those shrooms hit _hard_.”

Staggering slightly, he leaned against his personal gate and started undoing his zipper.

It removed all the fingers of his left hand and flung him through the Gate with one _mother_ of a headache.

“Fucking alchemist parties,” it muttured spitefully, stretching its new fingers in distaste. 

\----------------

“Nnnnnngh, harder Daddy~,” the fifty-year-old alchemist moaned as hands wrapped around his limbs to pull him through his gate.

It felt unclean for eons afterward.

\----------------

The alchemist that stumbled through the gate, golden hair silvering at the roots, muzzily turned his head towards it. It noted with distaste his nose was red with burst vessels. The pong of his drunkenness was only matched by the odor of his unwashed robes.

“Y-you- _hic_ \- demon!” he shouted, shambling forward in a run.

It removed any chance he had of procreating and sent him on his merry way.

Half a minute, an eternity, the birth and death of a star later, it regretted fiercely the acquisition of the new… parts. 

Humans were _disgusting._

\--------------

It was playing tiddlywinks with a galaxy spiralling into itself when two teenagers stumbled through their gates, clutching breathlessly at each other’s clothes and mouthing sloppily at each other.

It longed, fruitlessly, for an unbreakable Taboo. Or a lock. Or several.

Two livers richer, it flung the golden-haired adolescents into maelstroms of knowledge and discovery.

\-------------

Xerxes was swallowed in a night, sacrificed screaming to an unknown threat.

It would have made a toast, if it had the spirits.

\-------------

When two golden-haired squirts stumbled through its gates, curiosity sparking in their wolf-gold eyes, it decided to lower the odds this time around.

“Your toll is your entire body,” it told the smaller, quieter one. “I am the World, the Universe, the God, the One and the All… and I am _you_ ,” it sneered at the louder one.

The louder one barged back through its gate forty seconds later, and it had an uncomfortable prediction, this one would be a repeat offender.

……..

The loud one hurtled through its space in a bid to re-enter his own dimension from an alternate space in a homunculus’s stomach.

It flipped a page in its magazine and waved as the loud one yeeted past.

……..

Slightly taller, covered in blood, the loud one patted his own gate with a newly regrown arm. “This! I sacrifice _my gate_.”

It curled forward, laughing with the relief of a deity that would never again need to see gold-haired blasphemers barging into its personal dimension.

Fucking finally!

\-------------

A moment, a year, a millennia later, a middle-aged man with dim awareness in his bleary eyes fell through his gate and groaned, long and drawn out and resigned.

“Never should have agreed to this game,” he muttered.

It stood, approaching slowly. It moved not at all.

“A… _game?”_ it demanded.

“Yeah. We were looking into ancient Xerxes, customs and all.” The man scratched at his hair, a shade between brown and gold. 

“...a _custom?_ ” It was almost offended.

“Yeah. Like a rite of passage, they said the undeserving would lose body parts or something… it was hard to translate.” The man scratched at his stubble pensively. It gritted its teeth at the sound.

It contemplated removing every follicle of hair on his body.

“They called it Truth or Dare.”

Or his epidermis. Epidermis worked too, it decided, baring its teeth in a rictus grin.

"Goodbye, _al~che~mist._ "


End file.
